Moving: from "loneliness to solitude?"

Today I woke up at my parents house for the first time in a long time without a predetermined date of leaving. Over the last eight years I have lived in community with others - for the most part - but now I do not. Saturday I moved out of the house I had lived in for four years to move back home to Moreno Valley and into my parents house. The main reason for this move is because it will allow me to save money as I look for a job. While my parents are doing all they can to make this move easy on me, it has still been and will continue to be hard because other than my parents, I do not have any form of community where I now live. All of my close friends over the last eight years live at least a 45 minute drive away from me. On top of this Katie, my love, lives an hour and fifteen minutes away.

As I was packing up my stuff I came across a book a old friend of mine told me to read by one of my favorite authors, Henri J. M. Nouwen. The book is titled, "Reaching Out: The Three Movements of The Spiritual Life." As I started to put the book into the endless box of books something stopped me. I pulled the book from its space between cardboard walls and it's paper back bound friends and placed it on top of a pile of the to be read. Today, as I packed up my bag to go sit at a local coffee shop and read, I grabbed my four current books I am readying. Placing the books in my bag the spirit of God cried out to me within my heart for something new. I looked up to the small group of books I had placed in the "to be read box," which Saturday found their way onto the only small bookshelf I have in my current room. As my eyes panned across the book titles, they landed on "Reaching Out." Somehow I knew this was the one. I grabbed the book, replacing it for another, closed my bag and headed out.

Reaching into my bag, now at the coffee shop, I grabbed Nouwen's book and started to read..."It is far from easy to enter into the painful experience of loneliness. You like to stay away from it..." As I continued to read God began to open my heart to this present time and place I currently found myself in: a time of loneliness. In the first part of Nouwen's book he attempts to move the reader from a place of "loneliness to solitude." Reading through the book I realized that somehow I had become an American consumer cliche, filling my life with stuff such as reading, tv, movies, and even friends never allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts. Somehow in the mist of life I had crowed out my thoughts and forsook solitude for busyness and noise. Even though I swore to myself I hadn't, I had drowned out the silent voice of God with other things. Without me even knowing it, I think God has somehow forced me into this uncomfortable time and place in life. Why? Because I need to be in this time and place during this point of my life...at least that is what it seems like for now.

Community: Beauty in Diversity

Katie and I had a conversation the other night centered around our quest for community. On the heels of my last blog post and many conversations as of late with good friends, Katie and I have both thirsted more for a purposeful community with others. Even though to be completely honest both us do not feel that we have that right now, especially because in the next week and half we will both be moving home into our parent's houses. So we have decided that we will start taking up some of the practices that we hope our future community will take up. The first practice we are taking up is reading a book together in hopes of stirring up conversation among us that will help to both challenge our current points of view as well as help us grow. The second practice we have taken up is prayer. We hope and believe that this practice will allow us to focus our hearts and minds on God's kingdom purpose in the world and where and what he is calling us both to. Thirdly, we are in the process of seeking a church community that we can serve and worship. While this process is complicated by me looking for a job in youth ministry, we know that God has a place for us.

The goal of all of this is that wherever God might lead us, we might be people who manifest God's Kingdom of grace and love in the world. At the core of all of this conversation is our belief that Christianity is never meant to be done alone, but is meant to be done in community. After all as Christians we are to be a image of our God, who exists in prefect community as the Tri-une God. A community of people offers not only a place where the Kingdom of God can be manifested among a group of people, but a community offers a safe place of individuals to grow in their faith. As Thomas Malcolm writes, "Every person needs on safe place where he or she is able to stop pretending, a place of ruthless honesty and unconditional love where no one is allowed to fly underneath the radar." In this way community can challenge and help those within it to struggle, learn, and grow. This is why I really appreciate the intentional community that my friend Garret is a part of. His community is made up of people who in love can disagree while at the same time love each other.

It has become more evident to me that this is one thing the church in the post-modern world is really struggling with. It seems that somehow people believe that diversity equals the fear of "liberalism" or "heresy," which it does not (understand I am not advocating for a diversity in major theological tenets such as the doctrine of the trinity or who salvation is found in). Recently I was affect by this when I was denied from a church position because I was more open to a diversity of options within church ministry leadership. After being denied I was scared I was alone in my convictions among evangelicals who are not academics. Yet, the other day I was reading "The Jesus of Suburbia" by Mike Erre, pastor of a large church in Orange County. Mike Erre talked about the beauty of theological diversity among his church ministry staff. He said that it allowed for a fuller understanding of who God is. I really appreciated this. After all looking at the Church in the New Testament we can see that not everyone saw eye-to-eye. There were disagreements among Peter and Paul, arguments over what to do about Christian-Non-Jews, as well as other things. At the same time, is not our God diverse and unified in purpose at the same time? Call me liberal, even though I am not, but I think that the beauty of the church is found in a community of people that have a diversity of options. After all how else are we to grow if we all agree on everything?

So with that said, may whatever your community look like may it be a place of trust, a place of diversity, and a place of the beauty of God's worldwide Church.

After a week with good friends...

Time with good people always leaves me feeling alive and full of hope. Maybe it is the memories we have shared together or the love we share together, but more than that I think it is the power of a community of people sharing life together. Over this last week I have felt as if I have been a part of something more than my normal life offers, life with others. Over the last week I have been in long car rides with 6 other people, shady motels, a joyous wedding, jumping from cliffs, sharing meals, at a house concert, and sleeping a little less. While, yes I have to admit it feels good to have a little time to myself and alone time with Katie, I know life together with others is far better.

It is funny because Katie and I are in a place of what I can only describe as somewhere between getting by and hopelessness. Both of us are on the eve of moving back home into our parents houses because we are both without jobs and therefore without money to pay for a place to live. We want to get married more than anything else in the world, but really have no means to. My pride has kept me from running around and applying for any part-time job that pays minimum wage. In fact tomorrow's task of the day is filing for unemployment.

What has been the craziest thing about these two experiences happening simultaneously is that somehow I have been left hopefull. In a recent conversation with a great musician, Andrea Hamilton, I has reminded of a prophecy, that a women who cared for me more than I probably ever will know, prophesied over me a little over four years ago in Manti, Utah. Without going into to much detail and because I have never been one to hold much claim in these types of things-even though I hope with all of being that this one will be true-the message was one of hope after a time of what can only be called a trial. At the same time, Katie and I have been made very aware this last week of the fact that many who we were around this last week are in similar situations as we are, getting by.

These things have given me hope. As Andrea reminded me the other night many men and women in scripture were called by God but quickly after their calling fell into a time of deep trial (just think of Jesus baptized then lead into the wilderness for 40 days). I can help but think that the reason for this is because they were being shaped by God, becoming stronger in their calling as children of God.

As of now I have no idea what is next for Katie and I, but I have hope. Maybe, I will have to do some tent making, as my brother Garret calls it, for awhile until I find a community where God will call me to serve his church? Maybe, I will never be a full-time youth pastor as I have believed I would be? Who really know, because I don't.

There is though one thing I do know I have hope. I have no idea where Katie and I would be without the people in our life's, those of you who we have spent the last week with and those of you who were not there physically but are spread across the country. This week I was not only given a little more hope in the mist of a lot of worries, but I was again reminded why God calls his people to be in community, but more about that to come...

Theological Notes From "The Brothers Karamazov"

So my girlfriend is reading a really good but long book called "The Brothers Karamazov" by Fyodor Dostoevsky written from 1879 to 1880. I would love to read the book but being it is about 1100 pages long I don't see that happening anytime soon. But the beauty of having such an amazing girlfriend is that she just reads all the really good parts to me so I don't have to read it myself. Today she read to me a part which we both found very moving and I wanted to share. In this scene a young man (who is later an elder, highly respected monk) receives a mysterious visitor and they begin a theological discussion. The following is an excerpt from one of their conversations:

"I have been thinking myself for a long time, about life being heaven," he told me once. "Indeed I have been thinking of nothing else," he added quickly. "And you know, I'm even more firmly convinced of it than you are, and one day you'll find out why."
As he spoke he looked at me and smiled, and I thought he was about to reveal something to me.
"Heaven is within reach of everyone of us, and now it is within my reach too; if I choose I could have it tomorrow, real heaven, for all my life."
He spoke with fervor and looked at me mysteriously, as if asking something of me.
"As to every man being answerable for everybody and everything, not just for his own sins," he went on, "you are absolutely right about it, and the way you succeeded in grasping that idea so fully, all at once, is really remarkable. Is it true that when men understand that idea, the kingdom of God will no longer be a dream but a reality."
"But when do you expect that to happen?" I cried bitterly. "When will it come about, if ever? Perhaps it's just a dream and nothing more."
"So you don't believe yourself," he answered, "in the things you preach to others. Let me tell you, then, that this dream, as you call it, will most certainly come true. You may rest assured of that, but it will not happen immediately, because everything that happens in this world is controlled by its own set of laws. In this case, it is a psychological matter, a state of mind. In order to change the world, man's way of thinking must be changed. Thus there can be no brotherhood of men before all men become each other's brothers. There is no science, no order based on the pursuit of material gain, that will enable men to share their goods fairly and to respect each other's rights. There will never be enough to satisfy everyone; men will always be envious of their neighbors and will always destroy one another. So to your question when heaven on earth will come about, I can only promise you that it will come about without fail, but first the period of man's isolation must come to an end."
"What isolation?" I asked him.
"The isolation that you find everywhere, particularly in our age. But it won't come to an end right now, because the time has not yet come. Today everyone asserts his own personality and strives to live a full life as an individual. But these efforts lead not to a full life but to suicide, because, instead of realizing his personality, man only slips into total isolation. For in our age mankind has been broken up into self-contained individuals, each of whom retreats into his lair, trying to stay away from the rest, hiding himself from people and people from him. And, while he accumulates material wealth in his isolation, he thinks with satisfaction how mighty and secure he has become, because he is mad and cannot see that the more goods he accumulates, the deeper he sinks into suicidal impotence. The reason for this is that he has become accustomed to relying only on himself; he has split off from the whole and become an isolated unit; he has trained his soul not to rely on human help, not to believe in men and mankind, and only to worry that the wealth and privileges he has accumulated may get lost. Everywhere men today are turning scornfully away from the truth that the security of the individual cannot be achieved by his isolated efforts but only by mankind as a whole.
"But an end to this fearful isolation is bound to come and all men will understand how unnatural it was for them to have isolated themselves from one another. This will be the spirit of the new era and people will look back in amazement at the past, when they sat in darkness and refused to see the light. And it is then that the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the heavens...But until that day we must keep hope alive, and now then a man must set an example, if only an isolated one, by trying to life his soul out of its isolation and offering it in an act of brotherly communion, even if he is taken for one of God's fools. This is necessary, to keep the great idea alive."

Reading is Fun

Being out of school now for 3 weeks I have been spending some good time sitting at my favorite local coffee shop and reading. Upon entering grad school I had more of a love hate relationship with reading, meaning I loved what I learned and got from reading but hated the process of reading (mostly because of my dyslexia). After four years of grad school and reading thousands upon thousands of pages I now not only read better (I guess practice does help?) but I love it! Reading has become my way of relaxing. With that said, I thought I would just post what I am currently reading and see if anyone out there had any suggestions.

"An Emergent Manifesto of Hope" edited by Doug Pagitt & Tony Jones
"The Last Battle" by C.s. Lewis
"The irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical" by Shane Claiborne
"The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals" by Michael Pollan

I know my current reading list is varied and many, but during grad school I learned to be reading multiple books at one time and stay on track with all of them. I even like it this way because it allows me to read according to my mood (look mom I am even a consumer in my reading process!). Any suggestions for future reads?

Top CD's of 2009, so far...

Since it is the middle of the year it is time for my top CD's of 2009, so far. These are not in any order





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CD's still looking forward to...
Brand New
Thrice
Regina Spektor
Kings of Convenience
fun
Destry
Jay-Z

To those whom I call friends

Last Saturday I graduated from my Masters program. As I sat there in the audience of mostly people I had never met before (since I did not live on campus I usually just went to Fuller for class and then took off afterward) I felt a sense of both completion and fear. For the first time in my life I would not be in school. While I enjoyed this fact I was still faced with the fear of what-is-next...once again. Yesterday, I had a job interview out in Riverside, CA for a youth job. After the interview, as I sat in the car as my sister drove Katie and I to a local record store, I could not help but look out the window an think to myself...might I be moving back to Riverside?
For those of you who do not know, I grew up in Riverside. For nineteen years of my life I called Riverside my home. Once I left I never thought I would ever be back there. While yes my parents and family are out there and it would be nice to be in a place that we know at least someone, both Katie and I have admitted to each other that Riverside is not our first choice and we are telling ourselves that we can just move there for a little while (3 to 5 years) and then move elsewhere. Yet, I think the main reason that I don't want to move back to Riverside is because those who we call "friends" are not there.
In the book "An Emergent Manifesto of Hope" Doug Pagitt defines friendship as "vulnerability, risk, struggle, and pain." When I think of those four terms there is a small group of people in this large world that come to mind (you know who you are). Yet, I think the thing that scares me the most is what Pagitt goes on to say, "there is a realization that we need to pursue this friendship not as an addition to faith but as a necessity of it."
You see that thing I am truly scared about is moving to wherever both Katie and I end up, whether it be Riverside, Menlo Park, or San Diego is not having people around who love both Katie and I and see us as true friends. Friends who make it a point to call you just to see how you are doing. Friends who when you are with them it feels like you never were apart. Friends who you let see your good and bad. Friends who you can both cuss with and pray with.
Now I know that friendships will develop over time and there are those I can always count on, but there is something to be said about those people who you have lived life with. Who you don't have to explain everything to because they just know.
I have no idea how else to end this but to say thank you to all who read...I love you